This is how I coach.

Some people have too strong of a sense of self and it invites suffering. "I'm supposed to be this person who is always xyz, but at times I feel like abc and I can't tolerate that part about me". "I'm the successful one in the family but I just got laid off at work and now my life is in shambles". Their actions, tendencies. jobs, etc become one with themselves to form this sense of self. Some people, like you, struggle with a lack of sense of self. I talk to this person on reddit over chat and they're also struggling because they feel like they always get interested in something because it makes them seem deep, but no matter what they get themselves into they don't necessarily feel like a deep person themselves. Normally I approach this topic from an angle of, what are you really afraid of as a judgment? But since the topic of self is such a critical one, I think it's important to have an actual reality based understanding of what the self is. What do you think the self is? I mean, you made this post because you're struggling with the definition and when…

Your brain is panicking, but if you're inclined to do so please try out this perspective. Your brain doesn't think you're in a life-or-death situation for no reason. To the best of your knowledge through living your life, your current situation is very dire and it is very worthy of panic. And instead of actually giving up, you picked yourself up and brought yourself to this subreddit and wrote this post in the hopes of getting external feedback to better navigate your situation. Now I'm offering you: life is an extremely varied experience across everyone. There are thousands of people who have gone through unsalvageable courseworks to repeat uni for a year or more. Some people even don't go to uni or fail to graduate! There are tons of people who don't have a CV by the final year, and also tons of people graduate from uni but don't get any jobs and continue to live with their parents' support. There are also people who were raised by parents who consider children a failure but live a fulfilling life DESPITE the parents. I'm not saying this to convince you that you're dramatizing. I'm saying these things so that your brain…

Can you try this for me? First of all it's completely fine you never felt that way before. But now, let's imagine yourself without all the aspects you just described. Take a moment and really think about the answers to these questions. The only rule is, don't say "I don't know" and skip over. * If you weren't weird, how would you feel? * If you were normal in anything, what would that look like? * If you truly felt that you are a human being, what does that feel like? * If you weren't completely exhausted and anxious all the time, what would you be doing with all the new energy you find? * If you had the ability to relax, where and when would you choose to use that ability? * If God built you a certain way, can you imagine yourself as Neo from the Matrix who breaks out of God's programming? You're a rogue in this story of programmed destiny. How do you make yourself badass? * Suppose when you get out of your current belief systems, you will break out of your mortal shell and wield Godly powers. Now you're face to face with the…

1. Comparisons against yourself always needs a target. Whether it be against someone "better" or "worse". So if you want, you could ALWAYS compare yourself against "worse" people and feel constantly good. If you want, you could ALWAYS compare yourself against "better" people and feel constantly bad. Because you can pick and choose, comparison is a very easy way for you to feel in control of your emotions. 2. Speaking of feeling "better" than others - what is the motivation to feel "better"? Maybe the underlying feeling is a deep dissatisfaction with yourself and you're trying to appease that dissatisfaction by providing yourself with counterexamples. In this case, to overcome constant comparison you have to start feeling satisfied with yourself and accept yourself for who you are (this isn't meant to be a "just love yourself 4Head" statement, I'm outlying the methodology). 3. Feeling "worse" than others - this may happen for multiple reasons but a common one is the one I described above; you internalized how other people evaluate you and you're applying it to yourself. To stop this kind of comparison you find out how you really want to feel about yourself and realize that self comparison doesn't…

I think you have the right idea, let me rephrase some of what you said and try to add in some points that I think will be clarifying. Being worthy of love and receiving love are different things. The basic truth is that everything deserves love. I'll come back to that point later but like you said, it's much easier to love certain things compared to others. Note the word easy. When is it easy to love something and when is it hard to love something? This implies that there is a spectrum of difficulty in giving love, which means giving love is a capability and almost a skill. A person who is used to conditionally granting love, like manipulative or narcissistic people, are only good at giving love when it's easy. And to be honest, you can't really blame them; it's so much easier to love a dog who's wagging their tail asking for a belly rub compared to a barking one who's showing their teeth at you. But to a rescue foster parent or an animal services worker it's easier to love all kinds of dogs because again, giving love is a capacity. So if you've not received…

Refer to the other comment as well, but - 1. Comparisons between people without an absolute standard is meaningless. You mentioned richer, more attractive, have more friends and are more popular/likable. Any of those comparisons can be modified to make you feel better or worse. Richer - do you know their bank statements and finances specifically? If you don't, then your comparison is not fact based. You may argue that they buy better things than you, but you'd be surprised how many people are in heavy debt to afford a lavish lifestyle. Attractive - people's definition of beauty and attractiveness varies so this comparison is also not fact based. There is no universal beauty guide that stipulates some feature is more beautiful than another, looks are all individual and therefore all judgments about looks are individual. So first, you have to realize that the act of comparison itself is a bit futile; it's like saying the color red is better than the color blue, you can't make those kinds of comparisons. 2. Even absolute standards don't really mean anything. Let's say you actually know finances so you know the other person has more money. But what does that say about…

Hey mate! You're in a situation where you could benefit a lot from external help. So I want to give you advice in that, but also: your self image is that you're at the effect of the world and life just constantly tries you while you're trying your best to just survive each day. So I also want to give you advice in changing your relationship with yourself. When I take out a loan and I blow it all on a gambling trip, I eventually need to pay the loan back. But I don't have the money anymore because I blew it all. But now these pesky loaners are bugging me every day telling me to pay it back and they keep harassing me threatening me that I'll get a lawsuit. This is so unfair to me <- This narrative doesn't really make sense, right? Of course there's nothing stopping me from thinking it's unfair to me, but the fact of the matter is I borrowed money from someone and I can't expect the lender to not want the money back with interest. To keep thinking that I don't have to pay it back is foolish on my part. If…

First of all - I am very very sorry for your loss. Grief exacts a heavy toll on the soul by itself and on top of that you lost a family member. This is worth grieving over and you are right - this is not something you get over in a few days. Physical death of a loved one not only means the removal of a body from this world, but it can feel like the removal of all the possibilities and potential that you had with the person. All the things you were going to do together. Maybe you dreamt of one day letting your father hold your child. It doesn't even have to be that grand - maybe you were going to call him one day out of the blue and the removal of that possibility hurts deeply. All this is to say that what you are experiencing right now is completely rational. The shock factor of getting outside your social anxiety and the worry of it coming back. All of it is justified. I can talk more about how to stay anxiety-free and isolation-free but before that I want to focus more on your relationship with your…

1. Addressing old feelings towards your friends - Everything that happens in life outside of your control is neutral. It's neither good nor bad. Birds flying out your window is neutral. A flower blooming is neutral. The ocean being salty is neutral. Just like that, your old friends existing is also neutral. But we assign thoughts to these neutral events and make them "good" or "bad". For example if I'm a hopeless romantic I look at a flower blooming and I think it's a wonderful thing. If I'm afraid of birds I'd fear birds flying by my window. Your friends behaving a certain way outside of your control is also neutral but it is your thought, specifically them "abandoning" you and showing "callous disregard of your personhood", is what makes those experiences seem so negative. Because this is a thought, it is optional. There are probably regional algae that bloom in the beaches of Latin America but I have no thoughts about them. You could just watch your friends do things and let it pass by but your brain is choosing to believe that they are disregarding your personhood, and I'm offering the possibility that that thought can be discarded,…

Note: what I'm about to write will be difficult to digest for your current state but I'm writing it regardless so you can start considering it. I recommend seeking therapy or psychiatry first to prioritize getting your brain chemistry in balance so that you can start working on your mental health. Without a healthy brain mental health work has limited effect much like a person with a flu trying to work out at the gym. From your post, it looks like you had a long history of life seeming to work against you. Health: like you said, you have the cards you're dealt with and you play them to the best of your ability. I don't know what your diagnosis is, but having a health problem can seriously affect a person's overall well being. However, just like how you can win at Poker with a really crappy hand if you outwit the other players, it is possible to live life to its fullest extent regardless of your physical health. Some examples are Michel Petrucciani who lived a prolific life as a jazz pianist as someone with osteogenesis imperfecta, Jean Jacques Machado who conquered the sport of grappling with no fingers…

I was exactly in your boat so I really relate to your situation. International student, forced myself to get a master's degree in C.S. to go to a tech job in the bay area. The whole process was extremely stressful and painful, and the worst part is - even after getting that job, the continuous strive for something "better" is ALWAYS there. You never finish the rat race. I found freedom from this race mentality just a few years ago and here is what I want to offer you, and what I want to offer myself from the past. This is coming from the life coach. You are making a lot of assumptions and judgment about the real world, and they are not really based on facts. You think because you don't have a job lined up, more knowledge would help you get the job. But is that true? Don't all people start from not having jobs, even your peers who you think have lesser working knowledge? You think you wasted the opportunity given from your parents, but you have acquired a mass of knowledge and you have a good school's diploma which definitely would count in a lot of…

First of all, pre-congratulations on graduation! It's difficult to think outside of our minds, so it can be tempting to think that your situation is uniquely difficult. I know it's super tough for any industry out there, but I want to give you some ideas that can put your mind to ease because whether you're stressed or not, you'll have to take action and work on getting a job; wouldn't that action be so much easier if you're more relaxed about it? **First**, being under-qualified as a new grad is a more universal experience than you might think. I graduated in 2011 with a computer science degree, which sounds like the best degree you could have had at the time. But what they didn't tell me was, school trains you for *computer science* which is wildly different from *software engineering*. This makes sense. School is an academic environment and the school's job is to educate. This is why there are so many professional training programs out there, because it's not the school's role to train people for the professional world (unless it's a vocational school). It's generally expected that all new grads will be under-seasoned; which is why seasoned employees…

Whenever I try to construct a schedule, I struggle with perfectionism. This is the core issue I had with planning as well, if I'm going to plan for something I might as well do my best! was my rationale. I'll share something that helped me a lot in terms of planning. 1. **The point of planning isn't to be a productivity machine, it's to optimize your brain so you don't have to constantly think about things you could be doing.** When you don't plan, there are always floating ideas of what you could be doing or what you should do some time in the future or what you're reminding yourself to do... For all these things, you're spending **brainpower** to remember. What if you don't have to constantly remind yourself or think about these floating tasks? What if some "I want to do xyz" things don't need to live in your head? For example you THOUGHT you wanted to learn how to ski but after the winter passed that desire isn't really appealing to you anymore, but you keep on thinking "I should learn how to ski" because you haven't decided yet. So before you plan, get a piece of…

No problem! That is actually a very good strategy you implemented. I have a 4 way system when it comes to dealing with procrastinating (i'll write the whole thing here in case it is helpful to you). Your planning your day regularly is imagining the result, and being disciplined is in line with dividing and conquering. I'd invite you to be creative to make this sleeping experience even more exciting and fun for you! ### Imagine the Result. You can stop procrastinating by imagining the result beforehand. In your inaction-based life, it’s hard to decide to go into an action based life. But what the brain does extremely well is, imagine. When you imagine a future where the task is done, you can embody the experience of having the task complete. You don’t need an actual monster to pop up to feel scared when you’re in a movie theater, right? Imagining empowering situations lets the brain show the body what it would feel like to be in that situation. Imagination is a powerful tool. Not only can it be used to imagine the state of your life AFTER the task, it can also be used to imagine the state of…

I'm a life coach and my best advice is to recognize your inner perfection and appreciate how it's always been working for you, and how it will continue to work for you. So many people have regrets about their lives, have things they hate about themselves, and don't believe that they'll be able to achieve their wants in this lifetime. This is effectively mistrust in yourself in the past, the present, and the future. How does what I said in the first paragraph apply here? Thinking about the past first, you may have made decisions, actions, and choices you regret. But regrets are always in hindsight. Think about this: at the time of the decision, action, and choice - did you intentionally make a suboptimal decision while knowing better options? Did you intentionally act poorly while knowing how to act better, without it being difficult and unrealistic? Did you know what was going to happen as a result of your choice? No. If there was a better way you knew at the time, you would have known it. So blaming yourself for your past events is like blaming yourself for not winning the lottery; how could you have won if…

First of all, I'm very very sorry this happened to you and your community. Survivor's guilt is very real and you've shared a very detailed personal account of how it can affect an individual's life for a very long time after the incident. I hope the nation's discourse around guns, regardless of pro or anti, takes into account stories like yours when they try to reach a rational decision. I also preface this by saying that you DEFINITELY should work with a therapist to address these thoughts because given your description this is an ongoing issue in your life and as long as the past event continues to present itself inside you in this fashion, it will continue to be the driver of your life instead of YOU. Now with that said, the primary driver of your guilt is something that your brain takes as the absolute truth: You should have been killed given your usual circumstance. That thought is the underlying basis behind all of your fears described in this post. The topic is a bit morbid in nature so my upcoming paragraphs will also be a bit morbid but I think it will give you some more awareness…

You said therapy is not an option but please continue researching ways to get professional mental health support. A lot of therapists have affordable options or take insurance, as long as you continue looking you will find one who fits your needs. Trauma at an early age affects the brain's growth and if it is not addressed it will be difficult to improve upon your current situation because your brain cannot handle the incoming stimulus in a healthy way. It's like trying to work out at the gym while you have covid. With that said, I want to point out some things to you that I think would be helpful for you to consider. Your emotions shut down because your brain cannot accept you feeling anything, because in the past it has led to immense amount of pain. The brain is very good at keeping you alive and satisfied, and right now it seems like you are void of emotions so it's a bad thing. But when you consider the alternative of feeling emotions and feeling all the consequential thoughts of intense anger, shame, and guilt - it's preferable to not feel anything because of the amount of negative emotions…

For something to happen, there needs to be both motivation to do it and a lack of resistance not do it, and motivation just needs to be greater than the resistance. For example if I told you to get a slice of pizza for lunch tomorrow, would you have it? If so, then you probably enjoy eating pizza more than you not enjoying pizza. If you don't want to have pizza tomorrow, you probably have reasons against it (I had pizza today already, I don't like pizza, I feel like ramen, etc). You know what you want. You want to let go of shame and burden and unease. You want to accept your family and make peace with it. You want to move on from the past and start your life in the present. Now, what is stopping you from doing that? You answered parts of this question in your post and I want to go over it. You narrowed down your thoughts well. You think you will be judged negatively about your family, you think people will start to have ulterior motives and start asking you for money, and you feel shame and dishonor to the family name because…

I wrote a bit about this topic here. I have some additional points to make here, but I think reading that post will help you as well. Andrew T\*te or Kanye West or Elon Musk... there are a lot of people who say blatantly "wrong" things these days. It is so easy and effortless for them to be misogynistic or antisemitic or politically incorrect using their platform. People in response generally do get outraged by it, but it does not stop them from continuing to talk. What seems very strange is, there is no balance on the other side. There is no figure who is controversially positive. There is no prominent person who does the reverse of what Andrew T\*te does, like giving women platform and recognizing that they are to be celebrated and not hated upon. Actions are driven by thoughts and feelings. When you got misogyny at the gas station and you were the butt of a joke, you did not act out to that person and tell him to shut the fuck up. That inaction was driven by the thought that, if you did act out, there will be negative consequences for you that are heavier than…

Your mind has all the reasons to avoid negative emotions. It feels bad. And we like to feel good. Avoiding negative emotions by playing games or eating or any other buffering activity is a common reaction to thoughts that make you feel negative emotions. The issue with avoiding it is it eventually starts limiting your life by making the options of your life more narrow with time. But I want you to first realize that this is okay. Your brain evolved from the cave man times. When your cave man brain sees fire on the east, you want to migrate to the west. When your cave man brain sees tigers in the deep part of the cave, you don't venture too deeply into the cave. You eventually find a safe place to call home and your clan settle there, until you find the next threat that you have to avoid. Now think of that same brain in modern times. You feel bad for whatever reason and your brain still processes it as a thing to avoid. So you start taking avoiding actions or you don't do actions that cause you to feel that way. Soon you feel bad for another…

You know what your button is, it is when you are talked to like a child. I think with this post you are looking for a sustainable solution to that issue, rather than just dealing with the single issue of your current supervisor. Because without solving that, when someone new enters in your life and you feel like they treat you like a child - the problems will continue. So the sustainable method in dealing with this is to gain more awareness on why you have this problem, and consider alternative thoughts to think. Our brain processes and filters external stimuli into patterns so it is not overwhelming for the brain to always deal with a barrage of information to process. You are aware that it triggers you when you get talked to like a child. So your brain is eager to look for that happening, because it needs to respond to it so that it is not a threat anymore. A personal example from me - I grew up in a culture where it's normal for teachers to hit students. And then I moved to the U.S. and I remember my social studies teacher picking up a yard stick…

Your outlook on life is negative and pessimistic, but not without reason. Your past experiences built up to a status in life that you don't think is good. Some things you pointed out are: * 28 years old and you think that you are nowhere in life * Your family and friends express frustration to you and you believe that you are a burden * You've been fired from your jobs and have panic attacks at them * You get singled out even when you practice and put in effort When you believe a thought, your brain works really hard to find evidences of that thought and whenever the evidence is found, the belief is reinforced even harder. You've been on this unintentional track of believing negative thoughts for many years, so it has racked up a lot of evidences to solidify itself inside of your brain. Hence your statement of "I can't fathom believing that I'm not a lesser human than most people because there's so much evidence everywhere". But I want to point out there are things going well for you in you life too: * You have ADHD but you are meditating and going to therapy to…

The key that binds everything together is your trust and love for yourself. Let me explain by taking some sentences from your posts. You're living in fears anxiety overthinking worrying. Why? If we dissect fear, fear is a completely natural part of human experience. Lots of things have, are, and always will induce fear in humans. But we can feel fear by generating fearful things inside of our mind without external stimuli. Why is that? Because the brain NEEDS to have an answer for what to do if that situation were to happen. That's how the brain and the human race have survived this far. We learn from previously fearful situations so that we can recognize it before it happens and deal with it. Anxiety is more like a global fear. What if this happens? What if that happens? Your life could be perfect, but then you could think "what if I lose this all?". Your life could have lots of room for improvement and you can still think "what if things get worse?". So it's not that your life is objectively anxiety-inducing; anxiety will just latch on to anything. Again, why? Because the brain needs assurance to those questions…

Thanks for sharing your story. You're 21 now which means you're basically starting your adult journey. This is important because life is loosely experienced in two phases: childhood and adulthood. During childhood you don't really have a lot of things you can control. You can't open a bank account by yourself when you're a child, you can't get a loan under your name, you can't live alone... So many things you can't do by yourself. You're most likely kept, fed, dressed by people with authorities (grown-ups) and they largely get to decide how your experience is. If they decide to give you a good time, you'll have a good time; if they decide to give you a bad time, you'll have a bad time. Childhood is primarily defined by receiving. And now, the phase you're in is adulthood. Nobody really tells you this up front, but adulthood is primarily defined by giving. I'm not saying you always have to give; but you get to decide whether to give or not, and you don't have to receive things that you want. If you look around the posts that people make around their life problems (your post included), you'll find that most…